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| This train is delayed |
Probably not surprisingly, it took over a year to recover from it and today, well over two years on, there is still a stigma attached to that one dreadful event. And so it is with trepidation that I am soon to embark on my longest lone train journey since that fateful day.
In total, this forthcoming train journey should only take three hours. I have done a train journey that's about the same distance as this forthcoming one since the Cornwall trip (Stafford to Borth in Wales), but this was with a good 'safe' friend. Moreover, the journeys were four days apart, whereas the return leg in this instance is the day after - just like Cornwall.
Of course, it's not the train journey that caused the panic attack in Cornwall, it was a combination of things. The nine hour loneliness and restricted scenario didn't help, but at the time when it started I had just thrown myself in at the deep end in attempting to move forward with my life (ironically it took me ten steps back instead) so my mind was buzzing with pressure thoughts. I was hot which didn't help and probably dehydrated, and generally the whole trip was (in hindsight) a melting pot of loneliness and pressure. The train journey and departure from Falmouth just happened to cause the onset of the panic. And so it took me a long time to even feel remotely comfortable catching a train again.
I'm glad to say that things have now dramatically improved. I have to take the train alone quite often to the likes of London, Birmingham, Coventry, Worcester and even Warrington, and all have gone well, even though there is always a seed of doubt before and during the journey. I think of it as a personal achievement when I've done them unscathed.
In fact, because the event in March 2011 was so defining, naturally it has also generated positives which are now being felt. First of all, because successfully completing a long-ish train journey is, to me, an achievement, it makes the meeting or conference (if for work) a hell of a lot less daunting, which is probably why I go into them with little fear and plenty of confidence usually. Secondly, it was the incident in Cornwall that made me seek help, resulting in the most successful therapy that I have ever had. This, in turn, increased my confidence around the issue of anxiety and has allowed me to do this such as create this blog. The event was horrific, but not all of the lasting effects have been negative.
One of the techniques the aforementioned therapist taught me was around disassociation, i.e., just because that attack happened on a train it does not mean that a similar event will happen on a train again; the original event and subsequent train journeys are totally unconnected. But it's very difficult, and this forthcoming trip to Chippenham is the biggest train challenge I have faced since that day.
Of course, remaining on the subject of my successful therapy, I have gained knowledge of several small techniques that I hope to apply. Things like ensuring I have 'distraction' materials with me, i.e. my tablet, books, newspapers, music etc are important. Then you have good old 'people watching.' I've purposely booked a seat on the main leg of the journey (Stafford to Bristol) at a table so I'm opposite some poor unsuspecting sod who will be my distraction bitch for two and a half hours. Another is making sure I have plenty of food and drink with me, which I didn't do last time. It's all about keeping occupied and trying to enjoy it.
I will no doubt post how I get on. It would be incredible to be able to travel somewhere much further and actually enjoy the trip, without having thoughts dominated by utter useless rubbish.
Best wishes
Al
>> My Uncle on my dad's side of the family had a heart attack on Friday (see previous blogs as to why this significant, e.g. this one). He has recovering and came out of hospital today apparently. Whilst we aren't particularly close, the whole concept of a heart attack occurring to somebody in the family has just reignited some of those thoughts again. Yes, those thoughts. I appreciate that this thought process - the automatic 'how will it affect me' rather than 'I hope my Uncle is okay' - is of the highest selfishness, but unfortunately it's a sad fact that that is now my automatic reaction to an incident like this.
In total, this forthcoming train journey should only take three hours. I have done a train journey that's about the same distance as this forthcoming one since the Cornwall trip (Stafford to Borth in Wales), but this was with a good 'safe' friend. Moreover, the journeys were four days apart, whereas the return leg in this instance is the day after - just like Cornwall.
Of course, it's not the train journey that caused the panic attack in Cornwall, it was a combination of things. The nine hour loneliness and restricted scenario didn't help, but at the time when it started I had just thrown myself in at the deep end in attempting to move forward with my life (ironically it took me ten steps back instead) so my mind was buzzing with pressure thoughts. I was hot which didn't help and probably dehydrated, and generally the whole trip was (in hindsight) a melting pot of loneliness and pressure. The train journey and departure from Falmouth just happened to cause the onset of the panic. And so it took me a long time to even feel remotely comfortable catching a train again.
I'm glad to say that things have now dramatically improved. I have to take the train alone quite often to the likes of London, Birmingham, Coventry, Worcester and even Warrington, and all have gone well, even though there is always a seed of doubt before and during the journey. I think of it as a personal achievement when I've done them unscathed.
In fact, because the event in March 2011 was so defining, naturally it has also generated positives which are now being felt. First of all, because successfully completing a long-ish train journey is, to me, an achievement, it makes the meeting or conference (if for work) a hell of a lot less daunting, which is probably why I go into them with little fear and plenty of confidence usually. Secondly, it was the incident in Cornwall that made me seek help, resulting in the most successful therapy that I have ever had. This, in turn, increased my confidence around the issue of anxiety and has allowed me to do this such as create this blog. The event was horrific, but not all of the lasting effects have been negative.
One of the techniques the aforementioned therapist taught me was around disassociation, i.e., just because that attack happened on a train it does not mean that a similar event will happen on a train again; the original event and subsequent train journeys are totally unconnected. But it's very difficult, and this forthcoming trip to Chippenham is the biggest train challenge I have faced since that day.
Of course, remaining on the subject of my successful therapy, I have gained knowledge of several small techniques that I hope to apply. Things like ensuring I have 'distraction' materials with me, i.e. my tablet, books, newspapers, music etc are important. Then you have good old 'people watching.' I've purposely booked a seat on the main leg of the journey (Stafford to Bristol) at a table so I'm opposite some poor unsuspecting sod who will be my distraction bitch for two and a half hours. Another is making sure I have plenty of food and drink with me, which I didn't do last time. It's all about keeping occupied and trying to enjoy it.
I will no doubt post how I get on. It would be incredible to be able to travel somewhere much further and actually enjoy the trip, without having thoughts dominated by utter useless rubbish.
Best wishes
Al
>> My Uncle on my dad's side of the family had a heart attack on Friday (see previous blogs as to why this significant, e.g. this one). He has recovering and came out of hospital today apparently. Whilst we aren't particularly close, the whole concept of a heart attack occurring to somebody in the family has just reignited some of those thoughts again. Yes, those thoughts. I appreciate that this thought process - the automatic 'how will it affect me' rather than 'I hope my Uncle is okay' - is of the highest selfishness, but unfortunately it's a sad fact that that is now my automatic reaction to an incident like this.
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