Loneliness II

This blog follows on from the one I wrote back in July... sadly, little has changed. 


A good, aptly named song



I've spent years isolating myself, all the way up until the final year of University when I finally started to become more confident.  I was embarrassed about who I was; pre-'realising I had chronic anxiety' because I couldn't explain some of my behaviour, and post-'realising I had chronic anxiety,' because, well, I knew I had chronic anxiety.  I always seemed to think that isolation was the best answer despite what friends and professionals used to tell me, citing that "I like my own space and time."  As Chandler said in Friends, "we could get them together and make a continuum."

And even now, where I think the opposite, I still enjoy my own space and time, but only every so often.  As it happens, I have far too much of my own space and time. 

I've only felt like this for about 4-5 years, and for the first couple of years of this, I thought that filling my own space and time with activities was OK and was an acceptable substitution for socialising.  But now I realise that even this isn't enough.  I now understand that I'm a people person, I enjoy talking to, laughing with and helping other people, it's part of my nature.

Whether it's been there all the time and I've just been suppressing it, I'm not sure.  It could be, somewhat ironically, that isolating myself so much for so long as caused me to develop into this 'people person.'  If you averaged the amount of 'alone time' I've had compared to most people in this country at my age, I would guess I'm well over double the average.  When focusing purely on non-work or non-academic time, it'd be even more. 

At the end of the day, if I had a satisfactory social calendar, I wouldn't have time to write this blog.

Of course, bouts of social anxiety and panic disorder --- yadda yadda --- haven't helped over the years, but there is a significant possibility that a lack of social activity has actually, at least in part, caused this.  Anxiety itself, in my case, may have come from isolation and, in turn, a lack of confidence in myself and in social situations.

It could be the other way round, of course, where anxiety caused my lack of confidence and social isolation... but either way, years of being 'under-sociable' has got me stuck somewhat in a hole that I'm finding very difficult to come out of.  I'm still shy on confidence when meeting new people, although much better than I was and more willing, but now that school and uni have gone, the opportunities are very limited. 

And certainly these days, being on my own does cause anxiety and depression, even if this never used to be the case.

I have thought of ways to improve my social status, in spite of the 'limited opportunities' I refer to above.  But many of them would involve quitting my job, which in this day and age would just be stupid. 

But of course, back in March 2011, I visited Exeter University in order to more closely inspect a masters course with, if I'm honest, the main objective to be improving my social calendar by going back to uni.  This trip resulted in the biggest panic attack I've ever had, and took around a year of hard work to recover from. 

No wonder I'm tentative.  No wonder big decisions frighten me.  No wonder I'm stuck in this rut...

Best wishes

Al