As one of my earlier blogs detailed, my most recent 'very dark' spell came about following a trip on the train to Cornwall in March 2011. To save you reading through the full details, basically I had a massive panic attack on the (in the end) 9 hour train journey back from Falmouth to Stafford, which persisted until the following morning. In total, I think I was in what I called a 'panic state' for about 15 hours.
Following this, everything that required me venturing outside of the walls of my home was difficult for a long time. I'm glad to say that now, in comparison, this condition has vastly improved.
However, certain things still throw me back into the 'what if' way of thinking, and back to that horrendous experience a year and a half ago. Perhaps not surprisingly, one thing that particularly does this is train journeys.
I don't drive, which means I rely on public transport to get anywhere that isn't Stafford, particularly for work. I've survived journeys to Stoke, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool and even London and the underground since the Cornwall incident, but it took a long time and a lot of what seemed like over-analysis to get me able to travel distances again.
What I mean by over-analysis is twofold:
1) Ensuring I know exactly what train to catch there and back, and if relevant where my seats are booked.
2) Ensuring I have, as train announcers would tell you, everything with me. I'm not entirely sure how you're meant to take 'everything with you when leaving the train,' particularly if you take it literally, but anyway. What I mean by everything includes anything that may 'help' me in times of need. For example, plenty of water, soap (to make sure my OCD tendencies are fulfilled), food/sugar, music, magazine/paper/book, even an mp3 player complete with mindfulness exercises.
It can take a long time to prepare for a train journey as a consequence of doing all of this, but I find it helps. Even if it looks ridiculous, or seems ridiculous, if you know you've got things that may help in the onset of a panic attack, you're less likely to have one in the first place. Stands to reason I suppose.
Of course, objects on their own won't change things. This is where CBT comes in of course, but in some ways it's simply over-analysing 'what's the worse that could happen.' For example, when I had to go to London (Westminster to be exact; sounds more important that it was, trust me), I simply thought, "OK, the worst that could happen is that I have a panic attack. So for goodness sake just go home if that manifests. Don't worry about 'oh dear what will they think of me if I don't show up' etc, just do what needs to be done." This (as I call it) 'hard rationalisation' could again make you more relaxed about the whole situation.
(OK, the worst that could happen is a slow painful death, but lets not be too over-analytical...)
Consequently, one should not label any of this as 'over-analysis.' It should simply be sensible organisation. I say this because I used to think people would notice that I had 'over-analysed' and judge me for it. Then I realised that whoever did notice this clearly has nothing better to do.
But, of course, none of this is easy when you're doing it to completely alter a catastrophic thought process.
The purpose of writing about this now is that in September, I appear to be going all over the place. I have two trips in two consecutive days to Birmingham, another trip to London (St. James's Park this time) and a trip to Borth in Wales. This forms part of a holiday which, ARRGH, three nights away from Stafford! How dare I leave this midland bubble for a taste of the Welsh riviera?!
It's about time I tested this disorder once and for all. Maybe I can turn it into an 'order' instead.
Best wishes
Al
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