In good company

Hi all,

Recently, the UK government established a Minister for Loneliness as a consequence of findings apparent in The Commission on Loneliness, which was first set up by the late MP Jo Cox. Tracey Crouch, who has been appointed in the role, has a portfolio designated to tackle the scourge of loneliness in this country and, understandably, the role will largely focus on elderly individuals who perhaps have lost their spouses and who do not have family living locally anymore, or maybe they have an illness that prevents them from being sociable. Loneliness is a huge problem and I get sad when I think of older people who spend days sitting in the same house on their own, without seeing or even hearing from someone for such a long time. 

I know a couple who are in their late 80s; they both have numerous physical issues, one of them can hardly leave the house, the other only in necessity. Yet they have each other, have sixty-odd years of marriage. My grandmother is now 85 and has been through the ringer physically, yet she still takes care of her son who has Williams Syndrome. You might think that's ridiculous for someone who is 85 and has osteoporosis of the spine - but without him, she'd be without company a lot more. In these examples, the individuals involved are only losing one person away from being one of the people that Ms Crouch is going to hopefully help to support. This is a very good thing and is one of the few compassionate things this government has actually done; albeit it was initiated by an MP from a different party. We'll gloss over that.

There are circumstances, of course, where you can be lonely even if you are still seeing someone regularly. This would normally occur if the person was a carer for someone who had a bad illness or was disabled, to the point where they could not contribute to social interactivity. Thankfully we have not got close to this being a reality for my dad yet, in light of my mum's Alzheimer's diagnosis, but it is something for me to bear in mind later down the line.

What is a lot rarer, of course, is for younger people to be lonely, especially young people from relatively privileged backgrounds like myself. Youngsters, often from deprived backgrounds, who have perhaps had difficult upbringings and no family support and who have isolated themselves from others can become lonely quite easily. I still believe schools, in particular, should be given more resources to support these individuals, particularly in deprived areas.

But how does someone from a comfortable upbringing get themselves into a position of loneliness? Paths are surely carved out for these people? You go to school then university, meet people, start a job, meet more people and probably the person you'll go on to marry, marry them and live happily ever after. And if you don't live happily ever after, you'll divorce and then find someone else. For most people, it just happens, and they don't question it. Don't take it for granted. 

Weekend just gone, I saw no-one except my mum. I have an amazing group of friends who I still make the effort to see as often as possible, but when I don't, I don't see anyone. I have to go to the pub on my own if I want company. I've been on two holidays on my own and I'm going on another in a couple of weeks. I'm seen as odd for doing these things. The conversation goes something like:

"Ah you're going on holiday, where to?"
"Scotland."
"Great. Who with?"
"No-one, I'm going on my own."
"Oh." [Awkward silence]

Most people from the sort of background I've had could not contemplate doing anything like this on their own, let alone go on holiday for eight days on their own, like I did last year. Some people go backpacking on their own in their late teens or early twenties, but this is more of an 'on-purpose' activity. If I want to go on holidays I have to go on my own most of the time, bar manipulating some exceptions to my advantage with friends. I'm 30 years old. Why I am not doing what everyone else is doing at this age and getting married, having kids, or at least being in a relationship of sorts?

Well, I tried last year of course, but failed miserably.

Now don't get me wrong, I am way, way more comfortable in my own company than I ever used to be. I actually enjoy it sometimes, being able to do what I want, when I want. I enjoyed the trips away I undertook alone for the same reason. The only rules were mine. My greater concern is twofold; 1) the reasons why I find myself alone at 30, and 2) what happens in the long-term. 

To address point 1). Let's go back to why this website exists - anxiety. I spent years battling this horrible illness (because lets face it, that's what it is) and this, in turn, made meeting anyone nigh on impossible during my school and university years. By the time I could even consider being in a relationship, which frankly was probably only about four or so years ago realistically, every woman of a similar age had already found their man. And it's not just about the times when I had anxiety that made it difficult for me to make connections. The legacy of it lives on and over a number of years my confidence when meeting a lady has been destroyed - this is a permanent feature. I couldn't just walk into a pub and ask the attractive lady at the bar if she'd like a drink. This is fallacy and robbing a bank would be easier. I'm not going to do that either, just for any authorities logging in. 

Couple this with other factors of my personality which have also come about as a consequence of years of anxiety and you get me, now. The not being able to drive thing, for example. This is more than an issue for just my ex, it would seem.

There are other factors too - time to actually dedicate to a relationship being one due to work, helping my mum and (ironically) being a single homeowner. Being an only child and having a small family is of course another factor towards loneliness - it's not just about being in a relationship. I also feel as a general point is that social media doesn't help - ironic given the term 'social.' Actual interaction between young people is becoming less due to the firewall that is social media being people's only form of interaction these days. I fear this could lead to a loneliness epidemic later in life for the population at large - but I'll save this debate, given I've ranted about social media many times before on this website.

If you asked me now "do you consider yourself lonely?" I would say no, largely due to my small but brilliant group of friends and the interaction I get through work. I am lucky regarding the latter in that I work with a great small team of people. I think the point is that, at 30, I shouldn't have to rely on these sources alone, which I am, and it does mean that occasionally I have weekends in particular where I don't see anyone for up to 48 hours. But I would not consider my self lonely - yet.

But this leads me onto point 2). I have accepted that I will grow up (I mean, into later life - given I'm already 30!) not raising a family or be in a relationship. People will say I'm wrong to have accepted this, and "you never know what's round the corner." I don't condone violence, but I will punch the next person who says that to me. I also accept that my core group of friends are unlikely to stick around forever; many are building their own lives already and only by my sheer will and determination do I keep a place in their life. Others may move away in years to come. Work is also arguably the best it could get in terms of personnel at the moment and is unlikely to be as awesome later on down the line. So in light of all these predictions, I know that I am going to have to work damn hard as I get older to ensure I do not become chronically lonely, given I am already heading in that direction at 30. As such, I watch with interest as to what impact the new Minister's role will have for people like me.

But ultimately, I need to ensure that I do everything in my power to keep active socially. This may mean, in years to come, volunteering, forcing myself to try new hobbies (not for the hobbies but for the company) and joining rambling groups. So be it.

My mum spent days in the house on her own after she retired just before I was born. She usually saw me and/or my dad for the 25 years I lived at home, but often went days without seeing anyone else and spent hours in the house on her own. I have absolutely no proof of this, but I would not be surprised if those years of lack of activity, communication or mental stimulation has contributed to her relatively young diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I could be way, way off the mark. But it has crossed my mind many times and I do not want to fall into the same trap.

My message to readers is this. Do not take being in a relationship, a full household or having a big family for granted. All of these may be annoying at times(!), but the alternative is heading down a lonely road, destined for effort just to maintain contact with anyone. I blame anxiety and its causes for the reason I'm on this road already, at 30. I hate that its legacy lives on some twenty years after I was first down at the GPs crying my eyes out at 'whatever was happening to me.' 

The thing I have on my side is awareness that I'm heading down this path and having the time to adapt and react to it. It's far from ideal and it's not the path I'd have chosen, but I'm on it so I have to make the best of it. Like life in general, really. 

Best wishes,
Al

PS - Yes I am going on holiday for a third time on my own at the end of this month, to Scotland. I am genuinely looking forward to it - and despite the tone of this blog, I know that that shows incredible progress in my own strength even when compared to this time last year when I'd never even gone away on my own. I will no doubt write a blog about it...

Dementia: What I have learnt so far II

Hi all,

A few of you may have noticed my reach out tweets around the Christmas period. It was a difficult time; gone are the days when going to my parents' house for a few days over the festive period was one of the most relaxing times of the year. The period 22-27 December this year was very hard, because of my mum's worsening health.

The world's easiest jigsaw puzzle

I could answer the question posed in the title of this blog simply by saying 'it's a horrible, despicable disease that can savage and ruin lives.' It wouldn't be far off the mark. But then that isn't particularly insightful and everyone already knows that.

I will explain the situation as it stands with us at the moment, which is underpinned by the following timeline:

• Spring 2016 - noticed things with my mum weren't quite right
• December 2016 - first time it was clear Alzheimer's was likely
• January 2017 - had first appointment with GP and various referrals
• May 2017 - Alzheimer's disease diagnosed, prescribed medication
• May-Sept 2017 - significant improvement in her condition
• Sept 2017-present - significant decline in her condition

In version one of this blog, I briefly mentioned our situation in terms of our support network, or indeed a lack of it. My dad is with her everyday. I support for half a day every weekend so my dad can play golf. And that is it. Yes, they have friends who live in the area who they do things with - go round for a coffee, go for a walk etc - but ultimately, they cannot be expected to help deal with the most challenging aspects of this messed up disease. There are no other family members who can support.

So this is a particular problem when my mum has quite a lot of hostility towards my dad. She doesn't really know him as her husband or my father and often speaks about him as 'this bloke' or 'they' in many cases - it's often as though the person she went for a walk with on day one is different to the person she ate dinner with on day two - even though they are both my dad. She is also now feeling somewhat stifled - she told me last weekend that she isn't happy that everything is decided for her and sometimes she needs her own space. The problem is, she can't do general tasks that easily now and things have to be done for her. It's so hard listening to this, especially when she feels no love for her husband because she doesn't recognise him as him.

When I stayed there for four nights around Christmas, sometimes - but not all the time - my mum looked at me in what, for me, was a frightening way when my dad walked into the room. A look that was like 'who is this person that's coming in as if he owns the place.'

She also had - and has been having several of, according to my dad - a particularly bad spell on Christmas night. Basically she didn't know where she was and kept saying she'd be fine 'when she got home.' Of course, she was already home. Apparently this has happened a few times and she gets totally and utterly confused with pretty much everything. It first happened about a year ago, but then went away until recently. Usually what happens when she feels like this is my dad takes her to bed; he has to show her where her room is.

It must be horrible for both of them to have to deal with episodes like this day in, day out and clearly the situation is not sustainable.

I have been (trying to be) the voice of reason since my mum's diagnosis. I made the suggestion a couple of months ago when it was clear she was declining that my dad should make another appointment with her support worker. I thought I'd have to push him to do this, but he did it after my suggesting it only once, which I was pleased about. Said appointment is on 16th of this month and it cannot come soon enough.

At this appointment, I expect at least an insinuation that the unsustainable situation I mention above is going to be seriously looked at, with reasonably immediate effect, probably in the form of a care plan. I am probably being very naive - we all know what pressure the NHS is under - but we should file for the equivalent of extenuating circumstances. If my mum was lucid about my dad, yes my dad would still have to do a lot of work but it would be a lot easier when the person he's doing it for is open and comfortable with you. If my mum was uncomfortable and unsure about my dad but I had, for example, three siblings who could provide extra support, again that may be manageable. But both of these situations combined is already not working and it may not be long before it reaches boiling point - one of two possibilities really scare me:

1) My dad breaks down unable to cope
2) My mum doesn't want to be around him and starts wandering off or getting aggressive etc.

Historically, my parents have been 99% reactive and 1% proactive in life generally and in this case would only take action when one or both of these things happened. My role, again, is to provide that proactivity, firstly by encouraging my dad to make the appointment and secondly to make it explicit at the appointment about our situation. We should be prioritised for professional, external support whatever that looks like, given our circumstances. And I don't think that is being naive.

I bear the brunt of my mum's confusion and frustration - she still knows exactly who I am which is great obviously but it makes for a very hard few hours when I'm with her. I also feel I should do more, but ultimately I think the impact of that would be on my working hours which I think I would have to reduce if this was to happen. Being a single homeowner is harder work than I ever imagined and I frankly don't believe I should be reducing my social hours, given that I spent most of life prior to the past few years unable to live a proper social life due to the grip of anxiety.

And this is, of course, the other consideration. This blog website and everything contained within it tells you my story of anxiety from age 11, and I noticed on the days I stayed with my parents over Christmas the good old familiar feelings of anxiety creep back in. This was mainly in the form of struggling to eat properly which is often the first thing to be affected, and breathing awkwardly. Luckily, I managed to control it thanks to my CBT experience, but nevertheless it showed that much longer at my parents may have been more difficult to deal with. Being immersed in the difficulty of the whole situation, combined with constant attempt to keep my mum occupied and happy over these few days resulted in anxiety breaking free. And that is why it is probably best that I don't increase my hours of support that I do each week, because the affect it could have on my life could a) set my personal development back years (which my parents wouldn't want either of course) and b) make it so I couldn't support my parents at all, because I was too anxious.

There is not an hour that goes by where I don't feel guilty about not doing more to support my parents, trust me.

Overall, I'm not exactly sure what the next steps will be for us, but whatever they are they have to be taken soon, because this situation is like a pressure cooker at the moment.

In part one of this blog, I listed nine things that I learnt about dementia and supporting someone with the condition. I have listed these again below and given you additional commentary on my perspective five months on.

1) It takes no prisoners - yes, this is still more than true!

2) Photos are incredibly powerful - hmm, I'd reduce the tone of this down slightly. The effect of my dad showing my mum photos wore off quite quickly. I've encouraged my dad to try again and to put a few photos in frames as permanent reminders round the house. Time will tell, but I think I over-egged the impact of this one somewhat.

3) Read the literature - yes, definitely. I have recently lifted a fair whack from the Alzheimer's Society's 'Carers - looking after yourself' publication for my dad which has helped a lot, especially with what we need to press for at this forthcoming appointment in terms of support we need. Again - charities to the rescue!

4) Medication helps - Short-term, yes, a lot - long-term, less so. Her improvement over the summer must at least in part be attributed to medication, but the effects of it seems to already be wearing off and I don't think there is any more or stronger medication that can be used. My mum has also been experiencing 'sundowning' too, which in short means that her symptoms are generally worse in the evening. This is, in part, due to the effects of the medication (which she takes just before bedtime) wearing off.

5) Music matters - yes it does. She still remembers, very vividly in many cases, songs especially from the 70s and 80s and I often fill in gaps by putting music on that I know she likes. Luckily my parents have Sky and so have various dedicated music channels, and I bought loads of compilations albums last year. It's a good gap filler and can stir useful memories.

6) Physical activity is fundamental - Still very true. The main activity I do when I'm with my mum is go for a walk. She enjoys it and it is very good for her too. She usually goes for at least one good walk a day. She's not into other types of physical activity but that doesn't matter too much.

7) Don't do everything for her - I think this is where my dad has not been quite so good. He is doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances, but I believe he took too many tasks off her too early. And he also makes a point of it if she hasn't done something quite right - he's a perfectionist, and changing this will take a cognitive behavioural therapist many sessions of work. The point is still an important one and I try and leave her to do things when I'm with her that she can still do, like wash up and my ironing (see previous blog!)

8) Be the same person - I am still doing this. I don't know if this will be possible, or whether it is the best thing in the long-term now though. How I am with my mum and how I should react and what I should say when she's struggling are things I need to get some expert insight on I feel, because I am increasingly feeling out of my depth. Should I tell her that by 'they' she means my dad, for example? Or do I just carry on 'going with it' and being her son exactly as I was before the disease took hold? I'm doing the latter at the moment.

9) Look after yourself - see rest of blog before this list. I believe, especially for my dad, that this will only be able to happen if we get the right support we need. My dad still goes and plays his golf about three times a week which is hugely important and we need to be in a position where this can continue.

I'd add three new ones:

10) Hobbies are important. I mean this twofold: 1) linking with point 7 above, whilst someone with dementia can still participate in their hobbies, keep doing them. The problem we also have is that my mum never really had what you might call hobbies, walking aside. When she retired in 1987 (when she gave birth to me), her sole role was to look after me. Then when I grew up and especially when I moved out of home, I'd have hoped she'd have picked up more hobbies or charity work, but never did. She spent most of her days walking, going to town and watching TV to be honest. This makes it harder to keep her occupied when I'm with her, especially now she's becoming more restless.

11) Your life will change. Of that there is no question. Don't expect to be able to do the same things you've always done, especially if you're the primary carer.

12) You learn a lot about yourself as a family member. And for me, I mean this also in terms of how I will apply the management of anxiety so that I can be useful support for my mum. I have much more to learn yet, me thinks.

Overall, my biggest concern is that my mum's support worker 'signed her off' in the summer for a year, which I rightly or wrongly read as that she was unlikely to decline much within that period of time. Sadly that has not happened and here we are barely six months later in a much worse position.

This is a huge challenge. One that I did not expect or sign up for. But one that is so much worse for my mum and my dad than it is for me. So I need to strand strong. I need to show that I will not wither and wilt under the pressure that this situation brings about. I have no choice but to tell anxiety to go and do one, but for this to be easier, we need to implement external support as I've been talking about.

It is, yet again and unfortunately, another example of not making the most of things when they are good. Neither of my parents have really been ill in the past and you assume that it won't happen to you. Like everything, this situation reinforced what I guess we all know yet don't act upon - do not take the good health of those closest to you for granted.

Best wishes,
Al

2017: Why it has been the best year

Hi all,

Oh what a surprise, a stereotypical 'end of year blog.' Oh what a surprise, someone starting a blog or article with 'oh what a surprise, a stereotypical end of year blog.' Well yeah, whatcha gonna do?

No, there is no reference to deep
house in this post

I thought I would write a positive blog at the conclusion of this momentous year in my life. You may still question whether 'momentous' is the right word after I have finished the blog, but for me, it has been momentous and some. I don't wish for this to come across as an 'oh look what I've achieved this year' arrogant type piece by the way, and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Indeed, some of things I call 'achievements' would be, to some, normal everyday activities that wouldn't seem like achievements at all. Then again, if you think that, you've probably never lived with a chronic mental health condition.

No, what this blog is meant to do is show that, if you're reading this in a low place of seemingly endless despair, as I was for many years about five plus years ago, it is possible to come out the other side and take on life and actually live it to a certain degree. Something I never thought possible when I was sitting on a train eight hours from home, feet numb, hands sweaty, feeling sick and short of breath - in the grips of my worst ever panic attack that lasted 14 hours.

So why has 2017 been particularly positive, amongst the national and global stuff that keeps everyone slightly nervous and angry?

On my travels

If you've been stupid/clever* (*delete as appropriate) to read many of my more recent blog posts, you will have noticed that I have been on holiday three times this year. I went on my own to Edinburgh for two nights in February, Ireland on my own for eight nights in May then Canada with a friend for 12 nights in September. This is probably a fairly normal degree of holiday for an 'average person,' i.e. someone from my sort of background but who has not had anxiety most of their lives. Before this year, the only holidays I had been on were with my parents back in the day, to Wales four times for four nights with my friend and Barcelona on a geography fieldtrip. I had never been abroad before, apart from Barcelona and Ireland twice, and never been away on my own. So this year rather ripped up the script in terms of what I'd done previously. I not only went away, I went on my own, twice, and went abroad for the longest I'd ever been abroad. And of course they weren't without their challenges, but overall I even managed to enjoy myself!!

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I'd have nervously gone and had to go back home before even getting to the airport or on the train.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Not a chance. I remember saying, about a four hour train journey for a weekend away that I had to cancel about seven years ago, 'I can't see how I can ever get out of this situation.'

I was in a relationship!

Okay, so as my previous blog describes, my recent relationship ended after about three and a half months, so you could ask 'why is this a success?' Because I was actually in a relationship at all! I honestly never thought I would have the confidence to meet a girl in the first place, let alone get her to like me for long enough to say 'I'm in a relationship.' I also learnt a lot from my experience and it has given me more confidence - okay, a little more confidence - to potentially take something else forward. Meeting someone else doesn't seem any more likely now I have to say, but nevertheless, I still can't quite believe I was in a relationship at all.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Not applicable as it was deemed impossible. In the unlikely event a girl had been interested, I couldn't have sustained a relationship anyway as I was a mess myself.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: No. End of. To be fair, though, even after this experience I still believe I will end up single in later life too.

Maintaining friendships

As you know this is a hugely important aspect of my life. I could not live without my friends. Fortunately, my core group of friends have remained local and as always I have had many adventures and laughs with all of them this year and, crucially, I know they are there for me if I need them. I depend on them significantly and always have and gladly, if anything, the friendships have all strengthened even further this year.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I already had a core group of friends that I totally relied on, but if anything these have since strengthened further and secondly, I'm not sure I appreciated them as much then as I do now.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I thought I'd still have a core group of friends but I thought more of them would have up sticks by now. I'm making the most of it whilst they're still here!

Still love my job

Another big one. Even when I was going through dreadful times a few years back, work was my haven and solace, compared to everything else. The exception came when I had to travel somewhere for work or give a presentation, particularly after my 2011 meltdown, but anxiety whilst at work was minor in comparison to other situations. It was the one place where I could actually be free from most of its grip, albeit constantly thinking about what would happen when I left the office! When I applied for my current job four years ago, I was in a better state overall, but I was daunted by the change, especially given I suddenly had a commute to face. But, the people, the work, the type of organisation and the flexibility of the job has made it an absolute pleasure to work for this organisation. We've been close to shutting down once or twice and the future is likely to keep us on our toes, but from my perspective I want to work here for as long as possible.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I have been working for well over nine years now, so yes I was already doing it...

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I didn't think I'd be in a different job and enjoying it so much and so confident about what I do. And actually enjoying doing presentations!

I'm closer to my parents

Again, I am turning a negative into a positive here when you factor in that my mum was diagnosed with dementia this year. This is clearly a huge challenge that has already begun but that awaits us more so in the future. But what this has meant is that more of my time has been required with my mum, and because my role is basically to 'entertain' her when I see her, she appreciates that and looks forward to me coming over, which of course makes me feel good. As far as my dad, the primary 'carer' if I should now call him that, is concerned, we've had to pull together on this as you can imagine, and we are now closer than we used to be. We've never been what I would define as 'close' but we have worked together to ensure we can do the best we can to do what's best for my mum and I believe he now recognises I am an adult (I'm now 30, so better late than never!) and that sometimes it's worth listening to my advice and opinions!

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: In terms of supporting my mum with dementia, I'm just glad this has happened when I am a lot better, because I honestly think I would have been a hindrance to her rather than a help if this had happened a few years ago.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Obviously you can't vouch for a family member getting a long-term illness - "it doesn't happen to me" - so of course not. I knew I'd still be seeing my parents but not in such a structured manner. But as I say - the positives are there and I have to take those.

It was the fifth anniversary of this blogging site!

Certainly worth a mention; I did 'Five Blogs of Thanks' to celebrate at the time.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Well I probably would have, given I did start doing it just over five years ago :)

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: ...but I never thought it would last for five weeks let alone for over five and a half years. Thank you to everyone who ever reads my posts!

Other stuff

In addition to the above, these are the things that most people take for granted that I'm just grateful I can now do without major trauma:

• Eating out - I make sure I eat out at least once a week now because for many, many years eating out was a living hell.
• Going to a few different places - I mean on a smaller scale to the travelling I've talked about above; day trips with friends, things like that.
• Enjoying my own time - I still have a lot of time alone, but I appreciate it more now, enjoy it more and use it better, partly because I've had to but also because I'm better at planning to ensure my mind doesn't wander into unwanted territory.
• Exercise - Any sort of exercise made me panic in the past, largely due to an increased heart rate which set the health anxiety off. Now, I thoroughly enjoy swimming, cycling and walking and know, of course, that it also benefits me mentally too.

All of this is underpinned, of course, by not constantly fearing what that pain is, what people will think of me in social situations, that I might have a panic attack in an unfortunate situation - leading to, of course, panic attacks. Forget all the stuff I talk about above - ultimately the most important thing is that I have not spent this year in anxiety's grip. I have managed to not let it control me and dictate my life as it used to and this is the best gift of all that 2017 has given me. 

None of this would have been possible without my 50 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that I had 2011-12, courtesy of Anxiety UK's brilliant service. I tremble to think where I would be now without this help.

The challenge for 2018 is, of course, to make it as good if not better than 2017. This looks increasingly challenging, as I've blogged about before, due to changing circumstances in my life that are likely to kick in in the next few years - friends moving away, my mum declining in health, my job never being overly stable etc - but only I can try to turn these into positives like I have some aspects this year, or at least, balance out these challenges or gaps with other positives. I think the crucial thing is that I now have the ability to do this, whereas years ago I did not. 

I look back to 2017 with fondness. I think that's the first time I can truly say that. I remind those of you who cannot say this that it is possible to fight and beat whatever mental health condition you're battling with. It is not easy, but it is possible. Talk to someone. Friend, family, charity, Twitter, Samaritans, colleague, whoever. That is where it all starts.

I would like to wish all my readers a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year.

Best wishes,

Al

Relationships: what I've learnt so far

Hi all,

The summary answer to this blog is "I'm crap at them." We could just leave it at that.

Whadda you know, there are stereotypical images for
everything!

Let me paint the scene first of all. As you will no doubt know if you're reading this post and have been reading this blog for a while, I have lived for many years with anxiety. It wrecked my growing up period and my transition into adulthood, to the point where I fully recognise that I am further behind most people my age in several ways, one of which is being - or not - in a long-term relationship. Yes I have liked people during this epoch of anxiety but even if I had had the confidence, courage and ability to act upon these feelings - which I didn't - and even if they had said yes to a date - which they wouldn't have - there is no way on earth that I could have sustained a relationship for any length of time. I spent years unable to eat out or socialise with the people I'm most comfortable with, let alone go on a date. So making a long-term connection last was nigh-on impossible.

And although now, at 30 years old, I have put the worst my anxiety behind me, there is a legacy it leaves. My confidence when it comes to talking to someone I like is still appalling; I come across as shy, dull and uneasy. Various practical things that most British UK citizens do come 30 years old I perhaps do not (driving is a good example) thanks to an inability back in the day and a long-term nervous association ever since. And then there are circumstances less outside my control; I live in a town where 95% of people thrive and live off materialism, possession and practical ability. In other words, if someone does not have or cannot do something which is perceived 'abnormal,' like drive, this can be a deal-breaker as to whether a person wants to build a relationship with them or not. Personally I think that's nonsense, but it is what it is.

So the fact that I have even been in a relationship for any length of time, which went from 4 August until last Saturday to be precise, is a minor miracle. Who would take so much as an interest in me, let alone stay with me for over three months? Well this particular lady did and for the majority of the time she seemed to be really interested in me; we got on well, went out quite often and enjoyed each others company. However, whenever I tried to move the relationship forward (I don't just mean physically) I was hit by barriers and it was becoming increasingly difficult to feel comfortable. I felt like I was the only one making the effort to progress, trying to strike the balance between this and not pressuring her. Nevertheless, I was accused of not being spontaneous, which I was confused about because I was trying to progress things and make them more 'interesting,' albeit it is true that me and the word 'spontaneous' don't tend to go together. I blame that on anxiety too.

It then came out that there were several aspects of my life she wasn't happy with, basically; she was nice about it but it was clear that many issues sat uncomfortably with her. The driving thing was one and the on-going situation with my mum was another. I was basically being judged for not driving and having a routine where I needed to see my mum and support her and my dad with her dementia. There may have been more to it too, but they are the only things that I got, in a round about way, confirmed.

The main thing that annoyed me was that I was very open with her very early on about what I have to offer. She found out on date two that I don't drive, date three about my mum and on date four I gave her an overview of the dreaded anxiety and how it has affected my life. I felt comfortable enough with her at that point to be totally honest with her about the fact things haven't been plain sailing and she seemed totally fine with that. After all, she kept seeing me and I was told that I was a 'keeper.' So it was very annoying that she used these things against me as a reason to break up with me, which she did, by the way, finally by text.

Now as I've said, there may have been more to it, reasons that I will never know, and although it sounds like I'm having a go at her (well yes, that's because I am), I am totally sure that my lack of experience was against me and that I could have handled things differently. I'm not too sure how, but I'm sure I could have. So I'm sure we were both to blame by the break up and, although she did it via text, breaking up was clearly the right thing to do as she didn't feel she could make a relationship work with me, so that's fair enough. In the end it was probably just as simple as it being a personality clash which took a while to become clear.

As I have blogged about before, I met this girl online. That is the only way I'm ever going to meet someone; my town is like a vacuum for single girls and even if I did meet someone unexpectedly I wouldn't have the confidence to do anything. At least with the online thing you know that the person you're going to be meeting actually wants you to be there and, you'd hope, for similar reasons.

The bad thing about the online thing is that, in my opinion, it encourages relationships that are based even more on materialism than real life. Real life itself is bad enough, but ultimately what do people look at when they first see someone online? Their physical appearance. Then what they do for a living and then their practical ability and associated stuff. That usually marks pass/fail. I'm not bothered about what a girl is into, within reason, or what they can/can't do. I'm looking for someone who I feel totally comfortable with, who is compassionate, kind, honest, reliable, trustworthy. I thought this was commonplace, and all the noise around the edges - like being or not being able to drive - was unimportant in the grand scheme. But so far I have not experienced this. Maybe I am living in the 1920s or something?

Then there's the laying your cards down on the table thing. I was honest with my girlfriend very early on, as I mentioned, about my history and other key things. The only thing I didn't mention was this blog site!! She wasn't forthcoming in reciprocating any major 'traumas' from her life, so perhaps she didn't have any, but after what happened how can I be sure that honesty is the best policy? If I want to form a relationship, if I do not want a lonely future, how do I get there when no-one will see past the noise? Yes I have baggage and no I'm not necessarily what would be perceived as a 'normal' 30 year old in that sense and I'm far away from perfect (whatever that is), but I tell you what, I would sure as hell work damn hard to make a relationship work, to make my partner happy, comfortable and feel special. I know no other way.

But that doesn't seem to be enough.

But I know, really, that I have to keep being honest. So much so, that since last weekend's break up I have been even more explicit on my online profile. Well, about the not driving thing at least. I haven't yet put 'I suffered with anxiety for most of my life and my mum has dementia.' Re the former, check out my previous blog; if I did put something about anxiety, I'd get nowhere thanks to stigma.

So what have I learnt? Not much that I didn't already know, unfortunately. Most of it has just reinforced my original thinking. The key thing I've discovered is that I was right all along about me not knowing what I'm doing, about the materialism thing and about girls not wanting a bar of me given my 'baggage' and history. I guess I've also learnt that I wouldn't want to be with someone who is bothered about these sorts of things anyway; the problem is, where do I find the right person for me? And how do I find out, for certain, whether I'm doing something fundamentally wrong, or not?

I don't regret the relationship, that I will say with utmost honesty. No it didn't work out, but at least I was able to sustain it for over three months - which would have been impossible even only a couple of years ago or more. It shows again how much progress I have made.

What I would say to anyone who is in a happy, comfortable relationship - please, please do not take it for granted. Contrary to popular belief as a 30 year old in my home town, it does not happen for everyone.

And for me it's back to the drawing board. There will be someone out there for me, I believe, but it's whether I ever find them or not. If you are that person let me know - I'll be on the next bus to meet you.

Best wishes,
Al

Stigma challenge

Hi all,

10 October was World Mental Health Day (WMHD). A fabulous initiative to get everyone talking about mental health with the primary aim to "promote awareness of #MentalHealth in the workplace," although I would argue that it did more than just promote mental health in the workplace and actually from what I could tell it got loads of people talking about mental health in general, from sharing their experiences, feelings, pain, anguish and with others providing advice, support and a shoulder. What a fantastic idea and something especially easy to join in with in the age of Twitter.

Sorry, wrong kind.

Then there was Mental Health Awareness Week that took place 7-13 May this year (I remember, because I was in Ireland at the time) which did a similar thing. I wrote my Seven Steps to Stability blogs during the 2014 week to mark the 'occasion.' 

These are two brilliant examples of initiatives that get people talking about mental health with, lets be honest, the main aim of trying to douse the flames of stigma that sadly still exist today. But much that I laud these dedicated periods of time to talking about mental health, I hate that we still have to run them at all. Surely by now we should, as a human race, be in acceptance that mental health problems happen, that they are nothing to be ashamed of and that we should get good quality help without judgement. Why is this still deemed as fantasy? Why is it that mental health is still not on a level playing field with physical health when it comes to treatment, when we have reams of evidence that emphasises how massive an impact mental health problems have on so many people's lives? Why do people still feel ashamed of themselves if they do finally admit to having a mental health problem? 

Stigma.

Is it fallacy to think that we could ever live in a world where WMHD is not required? Time to Change doesn't need to exist because we have actually changed, because openly talking about mental health is embedded into modern society and dialect? Mental health charities don't need to provide access and referrals to private therapists because waiting times and therapy quality on the NHS is at least on a par with physical issues? 

People will be laughing at these moon-on-a-stick suggestions, but why? When so many people are suffering - and I don't exaggerate the term - around the world with anxiety, depression, OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar and so on, why do we still struggle to speak out, to not be judged? Why does the fear of this fuel our illness and make it even worse, prolonging it for months and years more than it should be?

Stigma.

I am fortunate in that most people I have ever told about my history of mental illness - anxiety -  has received it warmly with no evidence of blame or 'wow, you're weird' type looks, or anything worse such as abuse. But these people do exist for us to continue living in a world where speaking out about mental health problems and getting appropriate help can still be so bloody difficult.

Who are they? I will probably offend many by making sweeping generalisations here, but ultimately there are still a lot of people that refuse to open up and think the answer to everything lies in stubbornness. The same people are likely to think that anything wrong with someones life is their own fault. These people have perfect lives, of course (!), and so if any one else opens up that they have a mental health problem, that their life is not perfect, it is their fault in these people's eyes, and they therefore get blamed or are perceived as weird, weak or both. This sort of attitude isn't just to blame (see, now I'm playing the blame game - but in the right context I hope) for the stigma around mental health, by the way; it is to blame for numerous other issues we face, the likes of which I won't mention for fear of stoking up unnecessary political arguments which this blogging website is not meant to do.

This reason I give for the existence of stigma is just a theory by the way, but I know a lot of people who are, by no fault of their own, born with this sort of attitude and the sheer quantity of such individuals is possibly the reason why people fear speaking out about having mental health problem or struggle to get help for it for fear of being 'found out' and perceived negatively - which of course in most cases would worsen the mental health problem originally identified.

It is very difficult to change people's attitudes when they are like this, again because they believe they are always right. I have spent much of my 9+ year career trying to persuade people that climate change is important. Many won't appreciate that it even exists, regardless what I say. The only thing that changes their mind is when they get directly impacted by it itself, e.g. if their home gets flooded. This is utter nonsense of course, because a home getting flooded could be an isolated incident that is nothing to do with climate change, but because suddenly a potential impact of climate change affects them directly, they take an interest in it. 

It's similar with mental health. If they suddenly experienced a mental health problem, or someone very close to them did, mental health would suddenly be a concern to them, because it's real. The thing they have slagged off for years and been ignorant about suddenly becomes part of their life. But until that happens, their attitude won't change. 

It's basic behavioural psychology.

I would be very interested to know how many of the unconverted, if you like, i.e. those people I've been writing about who give us mental health stigma due to their attitude, have changed their minds about mental health as a direct result of days such as WMHD. Such statistics would be very hard to collect and therefore probably don't exist, but my point is, what is the most likely response to an unconverted individual about WMHD, or an equivalent day or week? Is it:

a) Oh wow, I did not realise how much of an effect mental health problems have on so many people. I am going to learn more.

b) What a load of nonsense; young people crying out for attention again.

If anything, WMHD and others could potentially just fuel their anger and make the stigma worse, although again I have no evidence to back this up. It's a bit like Greenpeace; their forceful tactics often put people off the issues around climate change rather than convert them to understanding it; I worry that WMHD or equivalent could do the same.

So, sadly, I don't know what the answer is to eradicate the stigma that we know still exists today. WMHD and equivalent initiatives are still worth doing because, as I said at the start of this blog, it helps those people with mental health problems get help due to the sudden spike of exposure that happens on such days, especially with the movement of social media. But is it really improving stigma overall? 

The good news is that mental health stigma seems overall to be a lot less than it was even a few years ago, for various reasons (which may include temporal events like WMHD; I could well by wrong in my summary above). By hook or by crook, by more people talking and opening up, we're getting there. But people still suffer in the hands of those who don't understand, or even worse, belittle them because they have a problem or blame them. I fear that the attitude of some of these people will never be changed by movements like WMHD - and I say that with experience in other fields.

Which is why it's even more important for the government to ensure that treatment for mental health problems is soon not the shambles that it remains today. That doctors and police know exactly how to act when they speak to someone with a mental health problem; their often unhelpful reactions can fuel the stigma even further.  Perhaps if change comes from the top - especially from this government who (sweeping generalisation) are often the government of choice for the sort of people I'm referring to - it may start to make these people think that this is a series issue. At least the government now are talking the talk, but will they walk the walk? Time will tell.

All I would say is, if you're reading this and have, or suspect you may have, any sort of mental health condition and don't know where to turn - speak to someone. And if they give you stigma laden bollocks in return, speak to someone else until you get the help you need. Don't give up. Your silence must be heard.

Best wishes,
Al

Going it alone III - sort of

Hi all,

When I first commenced this blogging site in 2012, I had just concluded my 50 sessions of CBT which ultimately helped me to overcome the worst of anxiety that had plagued me for 15 years prior. I had just moved out of home for the first time. The latter was hard, socialising was still a challenge, especially eating out, and yet I deemed myself to be in a good place relative to a year before when I could barely leave the house.

The stunning Vancouver Island

So taking a trip for nigh on two weeks to Vancouver and its surrounding areas in Canada was something that I wouldn't have even considered. Hell, I couldn't have considered taking a day trip to see a friend 50 miles away in this country as a viable option, without causing terrible distress, panic and probably a lot of self pity.

And yet, over five years on, the aforementioned Canadian trip has been achieved. I have actually flown on a plane for nigh on ten hours each way, stayed away from home for longer than a week, stayed in various different places within a foreign country...

...and survived.

In fact to hell with that, I actually even...

enjoyed it!

How is this possible? Well, the whole journey I have taken since I started this blog shows how; take a look at my recent series of fifth anniversary blogs which kind of provides a useful summary of how taking this trip was even possible.  Years of baby steps, trying, testing, often failing but ultimately succeeding with various different things. And fifty sessions of CBT, ultimately culminating in a handbook of techniques that I have been able to draw on to get me through numerous situations.

But nothing on the scale of Canada.

So along with CBT and the various factors associated with it, what specifically helped with this trip?

1) Going with someone else. That is why this blog is rather falsely entitled 'Going it Alone' because I wasn't alone. The whole reason that this trip came up is because my friend of 15 years, a musician, organised a series of gigs across the west coast of Canada. He knew that I always wanted to go to Canada and invited me to come on this trip with him. It also helped that he knows about my history; I was able to warn him that there was potential for me to have a mental breakdown, which took the pressure off.

2) Lack of intense organisation. Because of the above, flights, accommodation, getting to places within Canada (impossible without a car, which I don't have) and practically all of the logistics were organised for me by my friend, who is used to and a very good at this anyway. This took a lot more of the pressure off, reduced the stress and meant that I could literally just pay and go.

3) Possibly now or never. Because of the situation with my mum as documented previously, it is unlikely that I will be able to go away again for around two weeks in one go, due to the inevitable requirement of more of my support. So I knew that if I didn't go this year, I may not get the chance again for a heck of a long time. So I knew I had to rip off the plaster and just do it.

4) Magnitude beyond comprehension. Six years ago, leaving the house was hard enough. Four months ago, I managed to go to Ireland for eight days and successfully complete this trip. This was huge and was by far the biggest achievement in my life, ever. And yet even this was nothing compared to the scale of Canada - the distance, the time difference, the length of time away, what the trip involved, etc. So it was literally beyond my ability to appreciate what I was about to do - which helped considerably. If your brain can't compute what you're about to get yourself into, you can't panic about it as much!

5) Ireland. As I just mentioned, my eight-day trip to Ireland four months ago was totally crucial in being able to get through Canada. Ireland prepared me for being away, negotiating airports, testing CBT techniques in such situations, eating out (abroad) and the various other things that one needs to consider when travelling. My short trip to Edinburgh before it also helped me prepare for Ireland; I'm so glad the trips all fell into place in the way that they have (partially planning, partially luck!).

6) WhatsApp. I mentioned this in my review of my trip to Ireland; I only downloaded WhatsApp just before this trip, largely as a consequence of it and discovered how useful it was. It was even more fundamental during my trip to Canada to keep me connected to the people that matter. This helped tremendously.

7) Canada. I gave 'Ireland' as a reason for the success of my trip there back in May and on a similar note, I'm giving 'Canada' as a reason for the success of this trip. It is a truly wonderful country, with amazing landscapes and scenery, city vibrancy, cleanliness and the people are the friendliest I have met. Nothing is too much. They are open minded and make you feel welcome in whatever situation you find yourself in. This was especially important in light of the fact that for four of the nights there my friend and I stayed at people's houses, as a consequence of my friend's gig organisers providing accommodation. It made it easier to settle in and relax.

Naturally, there were challenges; most of the ones I listed following my Ireland trip still applied to varying different degrees. Of particular issue this time included:

1) Flying. The flights were horrible; in total, from boarding the plane to departing it, I was on the plane for close to ten hours each way. It is not pleasant, I can assure you. No amount of games, books, programmes or people watching can make it easier. On the journey back, a woman fainted right in front of me practically, which didn't help with selfish anxious thoughts: 'what if her fainting causes me to faint' etc. That went on for a while. It is a horrible, horrible, horrible way to travel in my opinion, and is very anxiety inducing, but ultimately, I got through it which is the main thing.

2) Sleep. Along with the ten hour flights was the eight hour time difference. My most recent blog discussed my issues with sleep and how I knew that the jet lag caused by travelling to Canada wouldn't help matters. Actually, things weren't as bad as I thought they would be, but nevertheless, waking up at 02:56 on the first day there wasn't helpful. It took a while to adjust but it could have been worse; the latter half of the week was better and actually if anything I slept better than normal due to less of the normal stresses of life being on my mind!

3) I had a bad cold. Unfortunately, I have a habit of 1) getting colds when I finish work for any length of time (the last time I had one was Christmas last year) and 2) getting really bad colds. I think the latter is as a consequence of years of anxiety battering my immune system, along with sinus troubles. This obviously spoilt about three days of the trip somewhat due to feeling physically poor (as well as affecting sleep negatively - see 2!), but also made things like breathing properly (a key CBT technique) more difficult. Being sensible was the main solution here; I didn't go to my friend's first gig, for example.

But let's be honest, the phrases 'nervous breakdown' or 'anxious mess' are not listed here, so that is a win-win all round. 

I am currently learning a lot about myself. I am learning that I have genuinely tackled anxiety to the point where I can begin to live my life, around twelve years or so after everyone else. Sure, everything is more challenging than it would be to someone without anxiety or another mental health condition, but challenges are things that I am used to, so bring them on I say. If I can go to Canada and not meltdown, then goodness me five years is a long time.

There may well be people reading this who are in the same position I was five plus years ago; in fear, in hope, in constant panic mode, scared of living in hell for the rest of their lives. If you are in that place, talk to someone. Family, friends, doctor, charities like Anxiety UK or the Samaritans, Twitterites who have experienced similar things, or even me. Just know this - you can come through dark times and begin to live your life. It is possible with hard work and, almost certainly, more anxiety along to endure the way. But the help is there in many different forms. 

Without this help, Canada would never have happened. Neither would Ireland, Scotland, moving house (three times), relationship, a social life or... anything. It can be done. Trust me.

Best wishes,
Al

Beddy bye byes

Hi all,

So, call me stupid, but after not sleeping properly for pretty much all of my life I have now realised I have a sleep problem. I am always reluctant to say I have something when I don't. For example, I have NEVER said I have had depression, because the 'depression' I have had in the past is nothing compared to what chronic depression sufferers go through. It's the same reason I've never called myself an insomniac. I know I don't sleep enough, a legacy of years of anxiety (which I have had, of course), but I never considered that I qualified as sleeping badly enough to be diagnosed as an insomniac.

Vancouver - scroll down for the relevance

However, after several terrible nights recently, and generally a summer where I've slept badly throughout, I thought I'd read more on the subject. The very useful NHS Choices webpages helped me realise within about two minutes that yes, indeed, I do actually have insomnia. A combination of the nonsense I put myself through when in bed and how long I've not slept properly for (i.e. ever) = insomnia. And yet, I have never teared off any tights with my teeth (a line for any Faithless fans out there).

This recent bout of bad sleep has coincided with a particularly and unusually busy (verging on chaotic) period of my life, perhaps unsurprisingly, and has made it more difficult for me to cope with. Hence why I have looked into it more.

To give you a fairly typical night:
I go to bed at 10.
Asleep at 10:30
Awake at 3.30
Awake until 5.45
DREAM DREAM DREAM DREAM (literally, like 4 in half an hour)
Alarm goes off at 6.15
Wished I hadn't fallen back asleep again.

Other scenarios:
Asleep at 10:30
Wake up at 4.30 on a Sunday

Out socialising until 1am (very rare)
Still wake up at 4.30. Maybe 5 as a reward.

I go to bed at 10.
Awake until 1.
Still wake up at 5.

You get the idea. The latter is less typical and in my opinion is the worst scenario, but has been an issue recently. At least if I get to sleep quickly I've banked a few hours.

But, because I've been getting at least some sleep (usually), I have never considered myself to be an insomniac. But apparently, I don't need a weatherman to tell me when it's peeing down - according to credible sources, I am indeed an insomniac.  A basic assessment set up by Sleepio, an organisation I am just learning more about, asks a few questions a gives you a score out of 32. I scored 10 with the message basically pertaining to 'you have problems.' 

So the question is, what to do about it. You know my stance on medication, and gladly the same credible sources don't commend this unless as a last resort. There are lifestyle changes I could make, although many of the suggestions they provide I've already done over the years. I wear ear plugs, I have blackouts, my bed is comfy, I eat my meal quite early, etc. I can start by doing a few more, like not write blogs about lack of sleep an hour or so before bed (8:43pm at the time of typing). 

I am considering CBT-I, which having put a link into this sentence I now know as much about as you, if you've clicked on it. Whether there is a charity like Anxiety UK out there through which you can obtain CBT-I I'd be interested to know, for fear of the NHS waiting lists. Sleepio, as mentioned, is another potential. 

But at least now I can finally do something about this. Having an unofficial but nevertheless pretty reliable diagnosis helps, so I can at least admit I need to sort it. I will keep you posted on progress. I perhaps naively assumed my sleep would improve as my anxiety lessened, but alas, not the case. My sleep is still erratic and unreliable, at best, and I continue to have problems. 

I mean, it's a good job I'm not going anywhere in the near future where there is a long jet lag period, isn't it?

So in 11 days time, I fly to the west coast of Canada. This is the first time I have been anywhere where the time difference has been greater than 1 hour, and only the second time I have been somewhere outside of the UK and Ireland. So I thought why not, let's go for half way round the other side of the world. Start small, you know.

I have always wanted to go to Canada. Well, I say that, I didn't really want to go anywhere for most of my life due to crippling anxiety, but you get the point. Canada appeals; it's liberalism, it's scenery, it's environment and it's people all seem to be my sort of thing, much more than here. I never thought it would happen. But now it is.

I am going with my good friend of 15 years who will be with me every step of the way - quite literally, as he is a musician and he's touring. So yes, I am effectively a roadie for 11 nights. But what this has meant is that he has basically done all of the logistical organising, all I have to do is pay half, pack and turn up. The latter may be the hardest part. But at least, with him doing all that, I can focus my mind on getting myself right and in a fit shape. 

The magnitude of this trip for me is beyond comprehension, quite frankly, which may actually be a good thing as I have no idea what I'm letting myself in for. The nine hour flight, the airports, the being so far away from home thing... oh hang on, maybe I do. 

You will no doubt recall that I went to Edinburgh in February and Ireland in May, both on my own, and both as a sort of preparation to this tumultuous trip. I passed both Edinburgh and Ireland - yes, there were some hairy moments, but compared to what would have happened say 3+ years ago, I passed them both with flying colours, and actually managed to enjoy myself for the most part. 

But this. This is something else entirely. I'm not physically on my own, that's a good start. But I am very much on my own mentally and I know how much this trip is going to take me out of my comfort zone. Let me emphasise, let me embolden what this blogging site is all about - I am a chronic anxiety sufferer. Not was, am. Yes, the last couple of years have been plain sailing when compared to the previous 28, but the underlying nature of such a condition will never go. It will always be with me, it's just whether I can keep it pushed down far enough that I get through big events. So far so good. But this event is the biggest of all.

Then there's the jet lag issue. Bearing in mind the first part of this blog, this could either kill me or cure me, sleep wise. And of course, everyone reading this will know and appreciate that the better you sleep, the better your mental health. Needless to say, the worse your mental health, the worse you're likely to sleep, and so on. So how this aspect goes will have implications both for the trip itself and afterwards. The bit I particularly worry about is losing eight hours on the way back. I'm one for getting back into the swing of things immediately; this simply isn't going to happen this time.

All this is going on whilst loads of other things are happening too. Work has been particularly busy recently, doing 9-10 hour days instead of the 7.5 I'm paid for. My social life has been unusually active and not only that, I am currently courting a lovely lady. Yes I know, hell, frozen, all that. Add all that into the mix along with the on-going situation with my mum and you get... well a lack of sleep. And thus, we've gone full circle.

Canada, without question, is going to be the biggest test of my entire life, bar none and by a country mile. Forget Ireland, forget Edinburgh, forget Wales with my mate, forget eating out, forget leaving the house when I practically had agoraphobia in 2011... this is the next level and some. And when combined with all of those other things I've just listed, the implications of what happens on this trip and how I deal with it could be massive.

Readers - I'm likely to need you for moral support in the coming weeks and months. So please bear with me. 

Best wishes,
Al